vital node: brent schulkin's blog

Mystery X-Ray!

My homie Puya is rotating through the surgical departments at UCLA med school. This is apparently cool, except that until he becomes Dr. Hosseini, the other doctors sort of make him their bitch when it comes to the unsavory activities. What sort of unsavory activities do I mean? Well let's just say he was on call with Trauma Surgery and this guy came in. Puya, as the young tender med student, was the one chosen to reach halfway up his forearm into some dude's dookie maker in order to grab...what? Click on the X-ray picture to see it full-size. LOOK AT IT. I'll give you 2 or 3 days to guess. Leave a comment with what you think it is. If you are friends with Puya and already know, don't guess! I'll post the answer in a few, hopefully with another picture.

UPDATE! THE ANSWER IS REVEALED!

Before clicking on this link, be sure to scroll all the way down and read all of the comments. When you're ready to see it, click here.

What's So Funny?

Look at me. Am I laughing with you or at you? There's a bit of madness in that eye, wouldn't you say? So many reasons to laugh.

Perhaps I'm laughing at the fact that while I was in Florida my housemate Steph started dating Jose Solano, aka Manny from Baywatch. You go girl.

Or perhaps I'm laughing at the fact that my high school is making headlines for banning freaking. I'm laughing at the thought of the austere meeting at which it was determined that it would be possible and a good idea to codify something that can never be codified, and to do it with this hilarious language: "Dancing styles that involve intimate touching of the breasts, buttocks or genitals or that simulate sexual activity are not allowed; when dancing back to front, all dancers must remain upright - no sexual squatting or sexual bending is allowed, i.e. no hands on knees and no hands on the dance floor with your buttocks facing or touching your dance partner...." I laugh at the hapless chaperones who will be forced to suspend people for engaging in the sexual bending of the Charleston, and I laugh at the thought of all the activities that this overly specific rule leaves out, and I anticipate the first time when a student tries licking another student's inner thigh, and the hilarious debate that some lawyers could make out of that. And Principal Bill Stirnus is a dear friend of mine, and I recall discussing the futility of this type of rule in the past with him, and I laugh because it makes me look forward to the moment I anticipate in which the stodgy people will see the shortcomings of stodginess relative to the natural and unstoppable features of youth, much like Captain von Trapp finally realizing that Fraulein Maria and the children might not actually be so misguided with their bafflingly fun and decidedly un-stodgy behavior.

I laugh because I don't really kiss and tell very much, and I certainly don't kiss and blog, so I didn't write about why I was, how you say, "off the market" for awhile there, and I won't write about why I have now put myself squarely back on the market, but hearts are curious and dynamic and when faced with things that are curious and dynamic, what is there to do, really, but laugh at it all?

I laugh because the apocalypse was epic, and because of what Dunny said to the police, and because I got to talk to Michelle in England and Vance in China, and because it's Chinese New Year, and because I got to feast on jiaozi and niangao with my favorite Chinese people tonight, and because I wore clothing made of danger tape, a hardhat and a red blinking emergency beacon light, and because someone laid down fresh grass sod all over Romo's old room to create a beautiful indoor beer garden, and we mustn't ignore the fact that my hardy laughter may have had something to do with the substantial cup of rum that was channelled into my smiley mouth via an ice luge. Might have had something to do with that mad look in my eye.

Pictures from the apocalypse after the jump.

Lay Up In Miami With Tamika And Tammy (UH!)

What up Florida. Just got back from 6 days in Florida. Writing 2 Go Games and playing them both. Corporate Team Building events. You know. I think I will occasionally link to our website with the words "corporate team building," just because it may help our search rankings a bit, and that means more trips to exotic lands. By the way, I think I'm going to Vegas again for a big game in 3 weeks and this time we might actually stay at the Wynn. But this story is still developing...

So the first game we did was in the Sawgrass Mills Mall. I can't tell you how many times in 2 days I heard and repeated the statistic that this ginormous mall is the number 2 tourist attraction in Florida, second only to Disney World. America once again shows remarkably good taste with its penchant for spending time walking in large circles for hours in order to spend money at a Marshalls, a TJ Maxx, a Target, a JC Penney's, a Sbarro, and a million others all on the same day.

So yes, I know that mall very well and I've spent way too much time there. Luckily we got a break in the form of a nice dinner in Ft. Lauderdale with Sid and Sylvia and Edith (family on my Dad's side). I mean can you even say that you've been to Florida if you haven't spent an evening hanging out with some fun-loving, golf-playing, white-zin drinking retired Jews? Thanks for hosting us, guys. Good times.

Then 3 nights in the Coral Gables Holiday Inn across the street from U Miami. Nearby Miracle Mile is a chi chi area that we turned into a circus with the help of some crazy actors, some rowdy clients and multiple uptight shopkeepers threatening to call the police on us.

Most of this trip was non-stop work, either creating the games at hand or emailing clients back or putting up websites or photoshopping clues or going through a number of other little tasks. But yesterday after the second game we finally got a chance to see Miami a little bit. We went drove out to South Beach and hit the strip clubs with Shaq, or "Shaq Diesel" as he insisted we call him. Not. Had a nice dinner and walked around, you know. Set foot on the beach. Tried to climb a palm tree. Had a Mojito. A lo cubano.

Slept for 2.5 hours last night and flew back this morning. Watched Just Like Heaven on the plane. PLOT SPOILER WARNING!!! DO NOT READ IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO HAVE THE SURPRISE ENDING OF JUST LIKE HEAVEN REVEALED TO YOU!! At the end of the movie they both survive and kiss and live happily ever after. It totally blew my mind. I was like expecting this one thing, and then there was this normal happy ending that warmed my heart. Seriously edgy stuff, on some M. Night Shyamalan shit. I'm going to have to watch it 5 or 6 more times before I grasp all the layered complexities.

Eliza Dushku

Sorry this is so belated, but can I give a big congratulations to my homie Mei and her Homegirls Boston crew on having their fabulous products become, essentially, the sole focus of an episode of Conan O'Brien's show. That's awesome. Go to their site to watch the clip. And buy stuff if you're a giiiiiiiiiirl. By the way I've never even heard of Eliza Dushku, but she has made a marvelous first impression on me.

The Apocalypse

I hope this post isn't needed, and I hope you already know, but if not, the Apocalypse is this Saturday. I know I said I wasn't going to be able to go, but I changed my flights for work and fortune has smiled upon me. Legendary house has final party ever. You're going. I'm not going to hype the reasons why, because it really isn't necessary, given the number of people flying in for this party, the effect this party will have on California's economy, and the socially magnetic power of the Executive Ranch of Ridiculousness. So I will just see you there and leave you with the three part invitation:
Teaser 1
Teaser 2
Final Invite (mashup of previous invites)

Amy Schulkin

I would like to extend a warm welcome to the blogosphere to my sister Amy. She is off on an adventure to Rome for the next few months. Bon Voyage, dear sister! I refer you all to her new blog, La Vita Dolce. Check it out. A funny thing about La Vita Dolce. Move around the letters and it spells out La Vital Code. What is the vital code? It's code for the Italian version of Vital Node. I digress. Peep it. Also I am the guy who gave her a free year of Typepad service and I'm also the guy who made her that big pimpin banner image. That used to be a green dress, I'll have you know.

Chuck Norris Does Not Sleep

This time last night I was reading up on some facts about Chuck Norris. I decided to post a lot of these facts about Chuck Norris, for educational purposes, and also because as I read them last night I was laughing more violently and completely hysterically than I have laughed in a while. Like 6 months at least. I was crying. A man who can't stop laughing has no dignity. What can he do but post something that he knows is funnier than anything he has to offer? Prepare yourself to learn about the man who cannot love...he can only "not kill"....

Speaking Of Obscenity On The Public Airwaves...

For those of you too cheap to buy a DVD, I just wanted to give a heads up that the movie that is taking the nation by storm, Penal Dysfunction, will be airing on SCBN 4 times this week. Check the schedule. Yes, I'm finally on TV, being beamed into the homes of strangers, bookended by programming such as CSI, 40 Year Old Virgin, Old School, Cinderella Man, Ocean's Eleven, and of course, the Stanford vs Oregon St men's basketball game today. So watch it, and spread the word to people on campus that they can watch it. First showing in 11 hours.

Brant Schulkin

Saturday was a hectic day of looking for housing and running a scavenger hunt. I mean, the scavenger hunt was smooth like butta, but orchestrating this housing search is a PROJECT. I would write about it more but it's bad luck. Hopefully I will have news soon. Anyway, now I'm settled into a hotel room in Ft. Lauderdale, beginning 6 days of business trip. Tomorrow I'll be writing a game in Ft. Lauderdale, Tuesday I'll be running the same game. Wednesday I write a game in Coral Gables, Thursday I run that game, and Friday I fly back, with DrewStew as my constant companion until then.

If there's one good thing about turning 25 (and there is. one. exactly.), it's that you can rent cars without paying some huge fee for extra "young person" insurance. I've never even driven a rental car, but tonight I was ready. I had a Dodge Stratus reserved, I had my new Thrifty Blue Chip Rewards card and I had the swagger of a man with a Blue Chip "Rewards" card. I was not allowed to rent the car because although I had a Brent A. Schulkin driver's license and thrifty card and various payment cards, my corporate visa card with which I intended to pay for the car was obviously stolen from someone else, since it belongs to someone named Brant A. Schulkin. OH COME ON. So yeah, DrewStew is driving. And paying the extra $25 fee because he's not yet 25.

Not the best welcome to Florida I could have asked for, but how can I complain after the menu at Lester's Diner made me feel right at home, as if I were still in California. Yes, they had the "California Fruit Salad," which consists of cottage cheese, jello, a scoop of sherbert, and...fruit salad. Leading me to conclude that any time I want fruit salad I should order fruit salad, and any time I miss California I should order a mixture of cottage cheese, jello, and sherbert.

Again, listening to the Florida radio I was brought back to my California comfort zone when I heard the sweet sounds of Green Day, which has been rocking the east bay since forever. I was listening to "American Idiot" and then along came the line, "...the subliminal mind fuck America...."  Given the social climate enforced by Kevin Martin and Michael Powell before him, I understand why a radio station would censor the word fuck out of that line. But what I don't understand is why, in Florida, that censoring is done....with a beep. When was the last time you actually heard a bad word bleeped out? I mean usually it's just done with silence, right? Or vinyl scratch noises. Or a girl pretending to have an orgasm for one third of a second. Or, as experienced a couple hours ago while watching The Man on my flight, it can be done with dubbed dialogue, such as "I'm going to make you my beast you piece of crap!!" I have not heard a legitimate "bleeping" in a long time. Beeeeeeep. Like one of those Chevron cartoon cars, waving at you and honking to distract you from the dark oily sin beneath. It was so upbeat sounding! Like a cheerleader. And it wasn't like a quiet beep used as filler...more like it was part of the song. This beep likes to rock out, wholesomely, at full volume. When we heard it we were hysterical. Then we heard another one, and we were even more hysterical. You gotta hear it.

Both the California Fruit Salad and the beep would be amazingly awesome if they were intended to be ironic. I want to believe. But they are actually both unintentionally funny. Which makes me happy I'm just visiting. Whatever, I'm not hating. Good times. High of 80 degrees the next couple of days. I ain't trippin.

I was looking up the website for the client for Tuesday's game, and on a wrong turn I happily came across this article, which initially struck me as hilarious, and then actually interesting. I would definitely like to run my decisions through an "ethical sieve, like krill through a whale's baleen". I'll catch y'all at the corner grocery store. I like to eat eat eat apples and bananas. Yeah. This is baby beluga, signing the beep off.

Windows Shortcuts

Today I learned 2 new tricks for IE and Firefox on a Windows machine. To select the text in the address bar, <Alt> + D (last week I learned F2 selects the text for a filename, too). And to add http://www....com to whatever you have in the address bar you just hit <Ctrl> + <Enter>! If you knew that, move along now. Everyone else: that's awesome!